Beloved Leader Quinn Jong-il:
Greetings from
the collared counties! From the shackled
suburbs, we sing your praise!
I am proud to
report that, for 2011, my state income tax is $990 MORE than it was for 2010,
even though I made $12,000 LESS last year than in the previous year. As it is written in your campaign literature,
the individual person in Illinois matters less than a kernel of corn. The people are grateful for the kernels of
corn which you have allowed us to gather in your billing fields. Think of all the ethanol your regime might
have produced were not our mouths in the way!
You have raised
our taxes, imposed new fees at state parks, hiked tolls, and closed prisons and
health facilities—all while carrying billions of dollars of debt! Your economic acumen must make Gov. Mitch
Daniels blush in embarrassment. In
Indiana, I hear the government has distributed its budget surplus back to the
people. Renegade Republicans! And in Wisconsin, Gov. Walker has trimmed his
government’s excesses by defanging the labor unions. Is nothing sacrosanct?
We are indeed
fortunate in Illinois not to have conservatives, with their crazy notions of
liberty and self-sufficiency. Illinois
is as “blue” as the ocean, with a deficit as deep. Our leaders are real men, taciturn and avuncular,
or else glib and imperturbable—men among men in prison garb.
And as Illinois’
high-speed trains and hybrid cars whiz by, we the people shall wave from our
ramshackle homes, eating our pooped corn.
So as you drink your vodka, Dear Leader, we toast you with our cups of
Kool-Aid. May you prosper, even as our
pensions suffer! Hand in hand with
Madigan, you shall lead us to the Promised Land, where everyone—I mean
everyone—is entitled to everything!
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